Day 284 – A Bit of Relief

A Bit of Relief

Day 284

Common Cold by Ogden Nash

Go hang yourself, you old M.D.!
You shall not sneer at me.
Pick up your hat and stethoscope,
Go wash your mouth with laundry soap;
I contemplate a joy exquisite
I’m not paying you for your visit.
I did not call you to be told
My malady is a common cold.

By pounding brow and swollen lip;
By fever’s hot and scaly grip;
By those two red redundant eyes
That weep like woeful April skies;
By racking snuffle, snort, and sniff;
By handkerchief after handkerchief;
This cold you wave away as naught
Is the damnedest cold man ever caught!

Give ear, you scientific fossil!
Here is the genuine Cold Colossal;
The Cold of which researchers dream,
The Perfect Cold, the Cold Supreme.
This honored system humbly holds
The Super-cold to end all colds;
The Cold Crusading for Democracy;
The Führer of the Streptococcracy.

Bacilli swarm within my portals
Such as were ne’er conceived by mortals,
But bred by scientists wise and hoary
In some Olympic laboratory;
Bacteria as large as mice,
With feet of fire and heads of ice
Who never interrupt for slumber
Their stamping elephantine rumba.

A common cold, gadzooks, forsooth!
Ah, yes. And Lincoln was jostled by Booth;
Don Juan was a budding gallant,
And Shakespeare’s plays show signs of talent;
The Arctic winter is fairly coolish,
And your diagnosis is fairly foolish.
Oh what a derision history holds
For the man who belittled the Cold of Colds!

It is rattling in my head and rattling in my chest.  I have a cold or the flu.  You pick.  My head hurts, my ears hurt, my teeth hurt, my fingers hurt, my toes hurt.  I think my hair may hurt.  When I breath, there is a pleasant little whistling noise coming from my throat that accompanies each exhale and my nose is a fountain of joy.  And I want some Ben and Jerry’s.  Does anyone have a direct line to the Ben and Jerry fairy?



14 thoughts on “Day 284 – A Bit of Relief

    • I did take my pretty color pills after my ice cream medication – it all knocked me out and I am amazed at how good I am feeling today. Still coughing and wheezing but every joint doesn’t hurt and that is a huge improvement in my book!

  1. Ingenious lighting for a very, very cool shot. I guess it *should* be Cool, being for a Cold. So very glad you’re feeling better, and I’ll bet that some of the grimness of the last days was in fact generated by this bug brewing up inside you. Onward and upward!

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